SEPT 2009

SEPT 2009
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February 08, 2007

Stage: Early Adulthood
Psychosocial Crisis: Intimacy vs. Isolation
Age: 20 - 34 years old
Significant Relations: Partners in Friendship
Contribution To Identity Formation: We are what we love
Favorable Outcome: Affiliation and Love
Unfavorable Outcome: Promiscuity

I just started on my Early Adulthood stage. But I see myself where I am now and where I am soon. When the things and events would pass me by soon.. It would be the end of my intimacy. I just want to be faithful to be one person, that would be her, and nobody else. I am stupid but this is me. It would be a start of my isolation. We are what we love - I love her but I don't know if she loves me. I love her still. I love the girl of my dreams. I don't want to turn to another truth. There are endless truths in this world. I chose only one and I'll stick with it. It would be a hard turn and a hard journey loving someone who would not return but, in a way, it would be a good life for me because, for the rest of my life, I would be true to myself and to my heart. It is not a burden. It is a gift of love and a curse of pain. Just a curse, not a burden. My heart is in love.

Promiscuity >> meaning: (Encarta)
1. choosing carelessly or without discrimination
2. confusedly mixed: mixed in an indiscriminate or disorderly way (formal)

I am not confused. A part of me is at peace when I love her. I discriminate people but nothing towards her. Am I this trusting to anyone? Am I this faithful to anyone? Am I this devoted to anyone? No, Just her. In this world, She is the only one I trust completely (no matter how many mistakes she's done). She is the only one I am and I can be faithful to (no matter what). I am only this devoted to her. Because... do you need reasons? do you always believe in proofs? do you always believe in science? My love for and to her feels so innate. It seems it existed there before. I just realized it. I found myself again in loving her. Before, I would be faltered by other people.. But with her, I felt sure of myself. I found stability. I found comfort. I found my heart again. She fuels my stubbornness. She fuels my way of never giving up. She fuels me. Even though, she will stop loving me, I will not give up. I will always love her. Even though, She and I would never be together again, I will not give up. I will always love her. Even when I die, my last words and/or last breath is for her..

Maybe, my fault is I can't let go. My love for her overcomes me. You can call me stupid but I don't care about anything else but her. I still have so much years ahead of my life.. But no more lies to myself and/or to anyone else... I love her and that is all the truth there is in life and in the world. I love her. "Kaya kita." Promise. I love you, mayge..

February 07, 2007

Stage: Adolescence
Psychosocial Crisis: Idnetity vs. Identity Diffusion
(Note: Identity diffusion is like having a different personality when you're at home and when you're at school)
Age: 12 - 20 years old
Significant Relations: Peer Group
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am I
Favorable Outcome: Devotion and Fidelity
Unfavorable Outcome: Uncertainty

Potential Issues From the Adolescent Stage:
1. Being sexually shy or inhibited.
2. Having an inappropriate need for other's approval.
3. Using substances or destructive behavior to cope with discomfort of life.
4. Feeling socially inadequate.
5. Feeling overly self-conscious about phsyical appearance.
6. Being caught in an active or passive state of rebellion.
7. Being so afraid to stand out that you never discover what your own taste are.

My Reflection:
It has been a zigzag and up-and-down life for me. But when I was covered and filled with uncertainty in the past.. I found devotion and fidelity through her. And I'm so torn apart because she'll be (I prefer might) leaving me soon..

Potential Issue # 1: I'm a bit shy because I'm just not used to it. But, there are times, I can just let go of myself and I feel comfortable.

Potential Issue # 2: Yes, I do have that but it is a want.. I want an approval of love.. Because, without it, I couldn't live like myself.

Potential Issue # 3: I have done it before. Presently, just a bit substance and a bit more destructive. I have an urge/intent to kill but a promise is a promise. A promise is never meant to be broken even though all things in life can be broken. My life right now is so uncomfortable but I'm able to cope up with it just by talking and expressing myself.

Potential Issue # 4: I'm not socially inadequate. I can talk about a lot of things from books, from knowledge and from experience to anything at all.

Potential Issue # 5: A bit... Still the same, acne and skin color.. I don't want people looking up to me and categorizing me as if I'm a foreigner because of my mestizo looks.

Potential Issue # 6: I'm always in a passive state of rebellion against giving up except for life.

Potential Issue #7: I have discovered my taste. Simple and low-maintenance but stylish in a way.

My current peers don't influence me in drinking or smoking. They are all singles and focused on studying. While I am focused on a girl, then on studies. I have not realized I had so much devotion, fidelity and love till she did a mistake. I didn't feel sorry. I felt I just realized my love and it was so strong and endless to let go..

Stage: School Age
Psychosocial Crisis: Industry vs. Inferiority
Age: 6 - 11 years old
Significant Relations: Family, Neighborhood and School
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am what I can do (I am capable)
Favorable Outcome: Method and Competence
Unfavorable Outcome: Incompetence

Potential Issues From the School Age:
1. Feeling self-conscious in social gatherings.
2. Inability to complete something you have started.
3. Not being able to attain professional goals.
4. Keeping yourself in debt so you never achieve financial stability.
5. Fear of public speaking.

I'll add this because this is one of the important stages of my life:
Index Of Supsicion:
1. Feel uncomfortable with social situation
2. Excessively competitive
3. Give in or have things your way
4. Have intense fear of making a mistake
5. Deficient in basic like skills
6. Have a lot of social shame

My Reflection:
From Grade School (GS) to High School (HS), I was always being tutored by my mom, by teachers and by tutorial schools. I don't know why. I was a slow learner. Now, I am adept at learning. Some people have called and categorized me as a late bloomer. My methods may be by the book and I am between competence and incompetence. But later, I found out it was just me. I changed for the better. I became more industrious.

Potential Issue # 1: Yes, I feel self-conscious especially with my skin color, people categorize me as a foreigner but I'm not. I don't want to feel foreign to the land where I was born and where I belong to. My height (6'1") tells people I must have played basketball but I don't. I play for fun but never have I played it to win. I feel self-conscious of my acne. But I always remind myself that there is always someone better/worse.

Potential Issue # 2: Yes, I can't complete the things I've started. From my projects to my assignments, from studying to my answers, I can't complete them... before I met her.
With her, I completed the projects, the poems, the things I've started... and I also edit them every now and then.

Potential Issue # 3: I don't know yet but I would be in one. I am still in college, I am studying to be in one. I want to be. My dream job is a job where I am interested on and I have fun working.

Potential Issue # 4: I am not in debt. I am only in debt with my parents whom have given so much love, understand and care to me.

Potential Issue # 5: I speak in public but my voice is a bit small. hehe

Index of Suspicion # 1: I don't feel uncomfortable just if I'm at the dark areas or when I'm with my friends. But I can go beyond that limit if I want to. I have done it with my YFC speeches when I was still active.

Index of Suspicion # 2: I'm not that competitive with others but my brothers. We would compete in grades (I've lost most of the time), muscles (hehe.. I've stopped because we had different body types) and I don't know what else we have competed on.

Index of Suspicion # 3: This is my question to myself right now "Do I give in and let go or have things go my way?" I don't want to give in because I'm so stubborn to give up. I don't want things to go my way because it would be selfish. I want not to give up and continue loving her.

Index of Suspicion # 4: Before, I had such an intense fear of making a mistake. And when I realized I'm human. I am not a god. I make mistakes. Right now, I make mistakes but not unnecessary ones.

Index of Suspicion # 5: None that I don't know of.

Index of Suspicion # 6: I don't have any social shame. Please refer to Index of Suspicion # 1 and Potential Issue # 1.

When I transferred to first grade (GS), I became shy and silent. I was scared of others. I didn't trust my classmates. I preferred being with adults and I felt that GS was a repeat of things everyday without the full consciousness of its students. Before I tranferred, I told my parents I didn't want to change schools (but it is for your education, they said). I would miss my 3 best friends. I still remember their names (Jim, Gromer, Cristina) but I don't know if they still know me. I was an active kid before I transferred. HS came and it took 2 years to be comfortable with my batchmates. And when college was there, I didn't want to go to college. Then, I don't know what course to choose. I wanted time for myself to reflect but I was given no chance. I was given college or work. How can I reflect when everyday I'll work? How stupid my parents can be?

Stage: Pre-School / Play Age
Psychosocial Crisis: Initiative vs. Guilt
Age: 3 - 5 years old
Significant Relations: Basic Family
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am what I imagine
Favorable Outcome: Purpose and Direction
Unfavorable Outcome: Unworthiness

Potential Issues From the Play Age:
1. Feeling awkward about your body.
2. Being highly critical of yourself - full of shame.
3. Using sex as the only way to feel close.
4. Being a perfectionist.
5. Having no tolerance for another's behavior.

My Reflection:

I dreamt to be a chemist. Someone who would discover remedies to the world's sicknesses. But I was just a kid then. Now, the subject annoys me. I was living in the province, then. Got my first PC. I was too young to have a computer but it was there. Tried to tinker with it but got in trouble. hehe.

Potential Issue # 1: I don't feel awkward with my body. This is me, a tall guy. But I feel awkward on why I don't have much hair. Some people call me a "sissy" but "hey, do you have baby skin?" hahahaha lol. I don't care about that comment.

Potential Issue # 2: Nah.. never experienced it.

Potential Issue # 3: Hmm... Partly. because it is human nature. Right now, sex is important. but i'm holding off for someone. Sex is a special thing. something sentimental for me.

Potential Issue # 4: Perfectionist.. When I was at HS, very very yes. hehehe.. I got obssessed with perfection. and I'll tell you what happened to me if you ask me if you can. Right now, perfection is an ideal; It is not reality. I am but the imperfected mind. My mind is so full of flaws. My mind so full of imperfection. My mind is human. I am human (with dignity).

Potential Issue # 5: I have tolerance for my selected few. I don't have tolerance when it comes to people who greatly piss me off or to whom I got angry at.

I don't have trouble identifying my feelings. I may have some interpersonal communication problems (coz I only socialize with the people I trust). Expressing my feelings, yes a bit hard when I have to tell the most real and most accurate feelings I have. Like the ones written on my blogs. Before, I have acted on guesses and unchecked assumptions. After a promise, I haven't acted anymore bases on those. A problem that comes from this age is also the responsibility for one's own personal unhappiness (you have a right to your own life)......... I just choose this way.. to not let go.. it makes me the most happiest and most unhappiest guy. I'm happy because I'm true to myself. I'm unhappy because she would (i prefer might) leave me soon.. But that is life is.. sometimes, nothing is permanent.. everything changes except change. (my addition: Everything changes but change and love)
I know my purpose. My direction is always stable.. but sometimes, there are ditches that I would fall in.. I would feel unworthy of love and/or life. But when I climb up those ditches, I continue to walk on the same direction despite I see the visible ditches along my way. I dare not change my direction to evade those ditches. That is me. My will power is just so immense.. when I find my purpose, I can't leave.

Stage: Toddler
Psychosocial Crisis: Autonomy vs. Shame
Age: 1.5 - 2.5 years old
Significant Relations: Parents
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am what i will freely
Favorable Outcome: Self-control and Will power
Unfavorable Outcome: Self-Doubt

Potential Issues From the Toddler Stage:
1. Inability to say no to friends because you are afraid they will reject you.
2. Inability to set limits with your boss because you fear you might get fired.
3. Difficulty stating how you feel because you fear you will be humiliated or rejected.
4. Feeling smothered if someone tries to get close.
5. Feeling inadequate if a friend is upset and cannot make that friend feel better.

Yet again, I listen to my mom's and relatives' stories about me.

I had autonomy on the past. I was placed on a stroller where I can be supported while I walk. hehe. I don't know much.. My parents were and are very nice and demonstrative people.
I'm just me because of my experiences, my attitude in life and towards these experience, and my thoughts/reflections when I was younger. :)

Potential Issue # 1: At HS (High School), I would always say yes. I was really afraid of being rejected. But it changed when I went to my first college school, the people and the surroundings changed me. I was always suffering looking at how life there was so grim for some and happiness was like temporary. A city of vices. People started taking advantage of my YESness... So, I started fighting back.. I said no. no more. I became a balance of schoolsmart and streetsmart. I started knowing what I want. Today, I am glad to know good (and curious for the bad) opinions/comments of other people about my poems. Rejection is just an event that tells me I need to improve more. It's like having the fear of a new experience. I'm glad to experience something new..but not now.

Potential Issue # 2: Not applicable but I would set limits. but I fear the anger of myself towards my boss. I don't want my anger. It is a different kind. It is destructive. But I can still control it. I fear it.

Potential Issue # 3: None. I have difficulty only when choosing the right degree of words to use. I'm placing my feelings/thoughts here because I don't want my words to affect another. I just want someone to listen. They don't care. They don't know me personally.

Potential Issue # 4: Feel smothered... Yes, at HS. but only if that someone was a girl. At HS, i was really surrounded by my walls.

Potential Issue # 5: Yes, I feel inadequate whenever that happens. So, I would push myself to help and help. And when I'm successful, I don't feel inadequate but I want to keep on helping and supporting. Saved 3 suicides because of this quality. :)

I have so much flaws but these flaws make me. These flaws can be overcome by myself but, right now, this is how I am myself. For the favorable outcome, I am a big success especially on the will power. For self-control, there were times I couldn't control myself. Right now, I can still control myself. Self-Doubt, it happens. Questions ring my head: "Am I for her?", "Is this right?", "Am I the one for her?", "Will she love me again?".... self-doubt can destroy someone in confusion.

This is the first part of my self-assessment based on Erikson's Stages of Personal And Social Development:

Stage: Infancy
Psychosocial Crisis: Basic Trust vs. Mistrust
Age : 0 - 1.5years old
Significant Relations: Mother/Maternal Surrogate
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am what I am given
Favorable Outcome: Inner drive and hope
Unfavorable Outcome: Fear

Potential Issues From The Infancy Stage:
1. Fear of Intimacy, because it could result in abandonment.
2. Need - but being afraid of - physical affection.
3. Continual need for oral gratification (eating, smoking, drinking).
4. Fear of acknowledging needs because of the fear that they will not be met.
5. Inability to trust even in trustworthy situations.

"I am what I am given" - I don't remember much from my infancy age.. But I heard stories from my mom and relatives. And today, I know much more about myself than anyone.
I have so much inner drive and hope but I am easily faltered w/ people I have trust with.
Potential Issue # 1: I love intimacy.. Yes, I was scared before. But there was a time in my life, but sometime last year.. I started to like and, then, to love intimacy.

Potential Issue # 2: Yes, I am afraid. High school, I would evade every girl's hand who would touch me to ask a question. I want to hug but I'm afraid to hug. But currently, I have reasons why I don't hug. :)

Potential Issue # 3: I don't drink.. But I smoke (1-3 sticks/week). If I'm not smoking, I'm either very "inip" (impatient) or I'm relaxing (while eating food or drinking lotsa water). I don't drink sodas. Just water, energy drinks and coffee. I'm a caffeine addict before. Right now, I'm regulating my coffee intake.

Potential Issue # 4: I say my needs. And I say my wants. I got a lot of wants right now. I know what I want.. I know who I want.. And, yes, I have the continual need to be admired. I want to receive attention. Anything bad/good about me, I want to hear it. I want to know it. I am curious about me.

Potential Issue # 5: Yep, at highschool. I wouldn't talk much or speak to anyone unless I'm spoken to. I want the person to take the initiative to introduce himself/herself. People have limits/boundaries. I can't make the jokes or talk about anything (which I am, I am a flexible person even though I don't show it; flexible but I have limits, too). Today, this is not applicable to me. I have outgrown it. I have the capability and I'm trusting too much to anyone I know especially towards the girl I love most. I am gullible to her. It is an error of my humanity but I feel so free when I trust her completely.

I may have problems from infancy. My mom and I are close but not that close. Everytime, my mom is near me, I feel weak and powerless. I feel so depressed. I just want her to be there but near me. I don't like her nagging.

(This is the end of: 1 of 7 parts. I will make the other parts tonight and later this week)