Poem - Death

Here is another one of my poems from high school. I have wrote many poems about life and death in a good or bad outlook. This one is in a dark way. This is entitled "Death."

It lurks in the deep dark
Even in this world of light
It may leave a terrifying mark
That shatters your hearty sight

IT has evolved through generations
From an ignorant baby to a slaughterer
All over it has its dominations
As the greatest life reaper

A monster yet a guide
To your sweet Nirvana
Or someone who takes your side
To the fire-infested Hellena

Its smile will give you a fearful frown
Its voice will give you a cold chill
Its gaze will make you look down
Yet to others, a terrible thrill

Be fearful of its eyes
Still, empty and shattering red
Screaming of its victim’s cries
Till you are dead, dead, dead

Be powerless of its voice
Full of beauty and cold evil
Mysteriously and silently a noise
Till you’re soul is gone and shriveled

Be depressed of its smile
Sharp, slimy and blue
Making you so fragile
Till you’re not you

Yes, Death is in the midst
Be careful and be patient
It might be man or beast
You might be its next client

Just remember to fear nothing
‘Cause you’ll be one of us
It’ll give you a slashing
You’ll die and become dust

Yes, you are next!
And you’ll surely cry
Your body will be totally flexed
And then you’ll die.

Spiritual Enlightenment - An Essay

This is the only one of all my essays that I have kept in my entire life. It dates from July 2003. This is an essay I wrote to pass my English at my previous college, and I wrote with great effort – six pages every revision without using a computer. It was hell but the produce was and still is heaven.

The title is “Spiritual Enlightenment.” I hope you read it despite the length (1,515 words) because it is really astonishing.

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Have you ever sought enlightenment to feel that forgotten glorious experience in your soul? Of course, you have. But how did you know about enlightenment? Why search for it if you have never experience it? You see, enlightenment did not just pop out from nowhere. It had a history of development. In ancient times, we discovered and worshipped gods and goddesses. We carried our beliefs until one belief took over another one. Let us fast forward to the time when Romans ruled the lands. With their pope, they colonized and converted the barbarians and the outcasts to their religion. They said that we have to do this and that, pray like this, not like that, and the like. They manipulated our beliefs and thoughts. But when a major event – the Vatican Council II (the 21st general/ecumenical council of the Roman Catholic Church which took place between October 11, 1962 and December 8, 1965) – occurred, our beliefs and thoughts were free. We started shouting our questions to the world. Our conscience and way of thinking slowly changed. We sought ways and sources to attain these answers for our questions. Our focus of thoughts changed. From spirituality to science and/or vice versa, we searched for those answers. Then, we started to improve science and choose a spirituality to lean on. Yet it does not stop there. As you breathe now, everything changes even if you are not aware of it. Maybe at this moment, you have questions in mind or, somewhere in the distant future, you will find something to seek. From the birth of this planet or of this universe, we have only stayed here for just a short time. We are like animals, always hungry, but hungry for knowledge. Yet, as obvious as it is, our changes have never stopped and our need continues to grow. That is why enlightenment, especially spiritual enlightenment, is sought to satiate our hunger for the answers we seek. Spiritual enlightenment is more important for me because mental enlightenment can be accomplished through the sciences. While spiritual enlightenment can be achieved through personal reflections, strategic planning, and extensive social support. These are like the parts of a living plant.

Reflection is important because it is the root of interest and planning is the stem. To uphold all of this, social support, like oxygen and water, must be present. Thus, enlightenment is the flower, the fruit of patience and hardship. How can I ever be influenced by the fragrance of the flower if there is no flower? But, as I was a loner, I had so much time to reflect on my life and my questions of it. So, I reflected on my personality and on my attitude. I wonder what should be changed and not be changed. So, that my life would be easier on me and how I prayed for it. Yet reality detaches me from these dreams – these reflections. Then I really experienced life as it is – full of successes and failures. My experiences of God and my religion gave me desire to attain spiritual enlightenment because I needed specific answers. I wanted to understand God. Possibilities are limitless but to name a few, I can be a priest and I can let my life serve the Lord till I can grasp what he likes me to do. I can research for these answers in bibles, works and other forms. Or I can just quit and see my answers at the gates of Heaven by waiting for my life to expire or I will shorten my life. But what this enlightenment will do to me is unknown. I think it will ease my mind and caress my heart to a higher place. It will lead me to someplace where I am superior to the unenlightened. All of these gave me the interest to pursue spiritual enlightenment. I feel a need for it. It is like my last meal before I die.

If you have the reason to attain enlightenment, then you must know how. Strategic planning is the first step in attaining spiritual enlightenment. So, we can arrange our thoughts and unite them to one. We are mortals and we are limited in some factors. One of them is time. Time limits our life. Time was created by early man to schedule his daily life. For us, enlightenment seekers, we need it to schedule our progress and with another factor, maturity, we know our level of thinking. This tells us that our views might be difficult to achieve while some persons need just to pursue some small goals to attain their spiritual enlightenment. The length we have to go through can be determined in our pace of development. This might be due to our interest or our willingness to go through what should we do from one level to another. The things to be done are the most important. Thoughts are useless if it will not be acted out and/or be applied in our actions. Be devoted. It maintains interest and refrains us from falling even when we’re failing. It is the life support of our interest. Another important act you should do is to pray. Praying refreshes one’s status. It heals the poison of temper and gives an optimistic mind. It stretches the muscles of your spirit and cools the fire in the mind. Knowing is a must do to understand where we are and what development we are in. It determines where or what our source of sorrow is, if taken seriously. It is an action – a path – taken by one. For it takes one to know one. Never will it take one to know two. To know one’s self is to be oneself. Once you know the source of sorrow, it should be eliminated. If it can be created, it can be eliminated. This elimination must be done quickly because sources of sorrow may appear and disappear unexpectedly. If done quickly, we will have immunity towards it the next time the source of sorrow will appear. No man is an island, as the saying goes. We need to have other views and open our minds to other things but some views are not that effective. Before using other perspectives, we should test them and make sure their results are good. Once done, we can apply them to the daily decisions in our lives. Again, acting our thoughts will prove that our beliefs are useful. It will give us the opportunities to move on. We must flow like the wind and must not rot in the deep. For God has given us a gift to act and it would be failing to accept it when we don’t use it.

My extensive social support upheld the roads I passed by and, I know, you have your own supports. People are such great helpers plus they gave me more views in life in spite of the views I originally have. Man’s outlook on life gave me an idea that there are other ways of thought different from mine. With that, they achieved with their beliefs and they were successful at it. It really inspired me to see that they achieved what they conceived. It is a great act that they have told the world what they will do and they have done it. Books, another external influence, opened my eyes and my mind to a world full of amazing things and simple wonders. Books of evolution tell me man and spirit are changing and developing to a higher level of energy but both are in a different pace. A higher level of energy also means higher consciousness that means the level of thoughts is advanced and the spirit is freer. For example, the spirit can change from a sorrowful to a glorious state of feeling and it can detach from the body – which is a materialistic object. Surroundings can affect a person’s life from neonate to old-aged. A harsh surrounding can make a person be aggressive towards other people and can be a training ground for criminals while a serene surrounding can make a person light-hearted and merciful. Surroundings are like music. They can really change a person’s mood and aura through the rhythm and beat. If people find themselves spiritually inadequate, they start searching for an answer that will satiate the emptiness of their life.

Attaining spiritual enlightenment is a momentous event and can be viewed as a model for people who want to be enlightened. It would be a great opportunity to achieve enlightenment because it is only been successful to few who have lived to have it. It is so great because, again, time limits us from doing or acquiring it. Attaining it would signify that man or a part of man has reached a certain point that tells us that enlightenment is easier to achieve than in the past. It would mean that any mortal has the right to be enlightened. It also tells us man continues to develop and that enlightenment is just one of the steps in attaining the last evolution of man.

Poem - Hide & Seek

This is a poem I made at my last year at high school and it is the only poem that got published in my high school magazine. Hope you enjoy it

“Hide & Seek”

Last night, I scarcely heard
Him who speaks the Holy word
I heard from Him, the light
Yet I can’t forego, I can’t fight

For the shadow that engulfs my soul
Is pitch-dark of a dead coal
It covers my toes to the top of my brow
Grasping my heart, beating so slow

Again, I heard Him clearly
When He was seeking for me
I felt His goodness, His power
Though, I must yield fear, I cower

For the shadow blinds me,
Petrifies me like a stone-like tree
Cold and frozen to the bone
Silent, sad and all alone

He who speaks the Holy word
Call me last and call me third
When the light comes, stay with me
So I can be what you want me to be

Yesterday, I heard Him shout
The words from His mouth
And darkness came for me to dare
I stepped forward and I wasn’t scared

For the shadow that engulfs my soul
Is crawling away at the level of my sole
My spirit purified and my mind enlightened
My heart unburdened, thoroughly lightened

My soul freely roams this earthly Eden
And God is with me, partly hidden
He will protect me, no need to worry
For in Him, eternal is glory

Rushing Speed, Pain

Poems again hehe

I present you two short poems – Rushing Speed and Pain – that I wrote in my high school days. I think around my sophomore and junior years.

Rushing Speed

A light flashes across the eye
Like a star winks from Heaven’s sky
Simple and quick yet impulsive
Feel the rhythm and you’ll believe

Overwhelming velocity
Rushing forward critically
Running high to soul’s reaction
From passion to an obsession

Energy drains, still strength remains
Rushing through hills, mountains and plains
Stiff bones are strained and cold sweat rains
Endure the pain and life sustains

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Pain

My heart throbs of pain
A source of sorrow
A death made of chain
Never to let go

A simple tradition
A complex addiction
Can’t stop aching inside
I have to leave your side

I can’t leave you
But I need to
Waving goodbye
Regretful lie

Now I’m ready,
I am all set
To go my way
At my glory’s death

This poem is one of my masterpieces. It has a good choice of words to be as accurate as it can be to the experience and, one can say, this is a very grand introduction to a greeting. :-)
(Note: I wrote this in my high school days)

This poem is entitled "Birthday."

This day makes you extraordinary
And even if your mood might vary
This day passes on with great dignity, hidden
Only in the frame of your heart could it be seen

Of the psyche and heart, feel its masterpiece
In the center, nurtured by still silence and peace
The scenery of your soul, the core of life
Your why of surpassing the everyday strife

Only a minute piece can be described and defined
For everything else is so intricate to the mind
It is as if you're in the axis of every character
And it is as if every fragment matters

The complexity of one's time and how one grows
Is like the countless stars at night and the petals of a rose
Each one has its own sense and each one means something
But when each piece is united to a whole, it is everything

This day is that masterpiece, that extraordinary, that complex
A day where dreams and moments seem to stretch, to flex
Bursting with hope yet restoring to its original form
But with the awareness of daily life's sweet storm

This one-of-a-kind day is just for you, letting you know
It never repeats; for today's once is a memory tomorrow
So, may I make this day more radiant, more sentient, more anew
Let this words remain in your heart, "Happy Birthday to you"

I have posted a few blogs but I have been blogging for 1 year or so... but on different blogs which I don't know the password or email I've used, maybe lost emails. hehe

So, I'll reintroduce myself (In VB6 programming language, that is ReDim) hehe :-)

I love programming especially on the Visual Basic Series. I have the introduction and basics on C/C++ and Java but didn't go further in studying those languages. Relating to languages, I grew up on English and Tagalog through my education and family. My family is pure Filipino but, in all our conversations, I found English easier to speak and write than anything. I had to analyze when it comes to speaking the local languages.

I have written essays in my high school days but stopped due to its innocence (no conflict)
I always thought of a utopia but that's not reality. I have my childhood fantasies but I, being a young adult, have to stick to reality and keep moving forward to my priorities in life. If dreams were to be only attached to, then how can I reach them? I have to keep moving forward till I get to the other side of the horizon.

Also, I love making poems - rhyming or free verse. I just need a theme, a past experience or an experience that would happen, and a metaphor. Sometimes, I just need time to make a poem from a minimum of 30 minutes to a week. I will present 2 poems to you at the end of this post. :-) The first would be my very first poem written at 2001 and the second would be a love and frienship poem dedicated to someone special to me in high school. But this poem has touched me not as a dedication or as a link to that someone but as a poem of itself. I love the way it sounds, the way it can be read and how it is made - by happy thoughts.

Again, my poems could be my experiences, another person's experience (some individuals have requested me to make poems for their uses) and other possibilities :-)

Lastly, another thing about me, I like different things. I like "balot" which is uncooked duck egg and other exotic food. When I explain, I don't like complicating and would simplify it further as I can unless I want to complicate it to hide hidden meanings (like some of my poems).

Here are samples of my poem collection (I'll add more in the future):

1.) Broken Love (2001)

I cried for love
in my shadow's tear.
I raised myself above
but swallowed by fear.
I gave you a smile
and you returned.
I gave you trust,
you just turned.
I walked a mile
to forget the past.
I came back for you
just to break my heart to two.

Note: I know the poem is a sad one but when I was making it, I had no relationships nor was I broken hearted then.

2.) Friendship and Fondness (2003)

As you see me today
Remember that for perpetuity
For wherever your path lays
My friendship for you is eternity

This might be my crest foundation
For letdowns and glories to appear
So I'm here to declare my passion,
My fondness for you, my friend, so dear

I'm alive to be your friend
Whatever happens, you're secure
In my heart... It never ends.
By dangers, no one can lure

Yet in reality, there's no finish
To some downbeat force
Even if it comes through, those wishes
But I'm here throughout life's course

I am your friend and this is your day
So, I'm here, as one to tell you
I am your admirer and I say
My friend, I've grown fond of you

Note: The only thing edited in this poem is at the last line of the last stanza which is : "My friend." I changed it to protect myself and to the one who owns the name I replaced.

That's it for now. Tomorrow, I'll share another poem I'd love to share now but I'm a bit sleepy.

G'night to y'all ^_^

For a long time, I have been blogging here and there... I lost some blogs to the undefeated short-term amnesia. Not only blogs but emails, passwords and accounts... Blogs are becoming popular in my division (I don't know with other divisions)... And heck! I don't even know how to fully use a blog. I only know how to think and write. Gerb, help me out. What does this doohicky do? hehe

Okay, I'll be back when I learn a few things about blogging and feeding (why do they call it feeding? Feed who?) okay, okay.

See you soon. Stranger peace and out.

Stage: Early Adulthood
Psychosocial Crisis: Intimacy vs. Isolation
Age: 20 - 34 years old
Significant Relations: Partners in Friendship
Contribution To Identity Formation: We are what we love
Favorable Outcome: Affiliation and Love
Unfavorable Outcome: Promiscuity

I just started on my Early Adulthood stage. But I see myself where I am now and where I am soon. When the things and events would pass me by soon.. It would be the end of my intimacy. I just want to be faithful to be one person, that would be her, and nobody else. I am stupid but this is me. It would be a start of my isolation. We are what we love - I love her but I don't know if she loves me. I love her still. I love the girl of my dreams. I don't want to turn to another truth. There are endless truths in this world. I chose only one and I'll stick with it. It would be a hard turn and a hard journey loving someone who would not return but, in a way, it would be a good life for me because, for the rest of my life, I would be true to myself and to my heart. It is not a burden. It is a gift of love and a curse of pain. Just a curse, not a burden. My heart is in love.

Promiscuity >> meaning: (Encarta)
1. choosing carelessly or without discrimination
2. confusedly mixed: mixed in an indiscriminate or disorderly way (formal)

I am not confused. A part of me is at peace when I love her. I discriminate people but nothing towards her. Am I this trusting to anyone? Am I this faithful to anyone? Am I this devoted to anyone? No, Just her. In this world, She is the only one I trust completely (no matter how many mistakes she's done). She is the only one I am and I can be faithful to (no matter what). I am only this devoted to her. Because... do you need reasons? do you always believe in proofs? do you always believe in science? My love for and to her feels so innate. It seems it existed there before. I just realized it. I found myself again in loving her. Before, I would be faltered by other people.. But with her, I felt sure of myself. I found stability. I found comfort. I found my heart again. She fuels my stubbornness. She fuels my way of never giving up. She fuels me. Even though, she will stop loving me, I will not give up. I will always love her. Even though, She and I would never be together again, I will not give up. I will always love her. Even when I die, my last words and/or last breath is for her..

Maybe, my fault is I can't let go. My love for her overcomes me. You can call me stupid but I don't care about anything else but her. I still have so much years ahead of my life.. But no more lies to myself and/or to anyone else... I love her and that is all the truth there is in life and in the world. I love her. "Kaya kita." Promise. I love you, mayge..

Stage: Adolescence
Psychosocial Crisis: Idnetity vs. Identity Diffusion
(Note: Identity diffusion is like having a different personality when you're at home and when you're at school)
Age: 12 - 20 years old
Significant Relations: Peer Group
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am I
Favorable Outcome: Devotion and Fidelity
Unfavorable Outcome: Uncertainty

Potential Issues From the Adolescent Stage:
1. Being sexually shy or inhibited.
2. Having an inappropriate need for other's approval.
3. Using substances or destructive behavior to cope with discomfort of life.
4. Feeling socially inadequate.
5. Feeling overly self-conscious about phsyical appearance.
6. Being caught in an active or passive state of rebellion.
7. Being so afraid to stand out that you never discover what your own taste are.

My Reflection:
It has been a zigzag and up-and-down life for me. But when I was covered and filled with uncertainty in the past.. I found devotion and fidelity through her. And I'm so torn apart because she'll be (I prefer might) leaving me soon..

Potential Issue # 1: I'm a bit shy because I'm just not used to it. But, there are times, I can just let go of myself and I feel comfortable.

Potential Issue # 2: Yes, I do have that but it is a want.. I want an approval of love.. Because, without it, I couldn't live like myself.

Potential Issue # 3: I have done it before. Presently, just a bit substance and a bit more destructive. I have an urge/intent to kill but a promise is a promise. A promise is never meant to be broken even though all things in life can be broken. My life right now is so uncomfortable but I'm able to cope up with it just by talking and expressing myself.

Potential Issue # 4: I'm not socially inadequate. I can talk about a lot of things from books, from knowledge and from experience to anything at all.

Potential Issue # 5: A bit... Still the same, acne and skin color.. I don't want people looking up to me and categorizing me as if I'm a foreigner because of my mestizo looks.

Potential Issue # 6: I'm always in a passive state of rebellion against giving up except for life.

Potential Issue #7: I have discovered my taste. Simple and low-maintenance but stylish in a way.

Conclusion:
My current peers don't influence me in drinking or smoking. They are all singles and focused on studying. While I am focused on a girl, then on studies. I have not realized I had so much devotion, fidelity and love till she did a mistake. I didn't feel sorry. I felt I just realized my love and it was so strong and endless to let go..

Stage: School Age
Psychosocial Crisis: Industry vs. Inferiority
Age: 6 - 11 years old
Significant Relations: Family, Neighborhood and School
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am what I can do (I am capable)
Favorable Outcome: Method and Competence
Unfavorable Outcome: Incompetence

Potential Issues From the School Age:
1. Feeling self-conscious in social gatherings.
2. Inability to complete something you have started.
3. Not being able to attain professional goals.
4. Keeping yourself in debt so you never achieve financial stability.
5. Fear of public speaking.

I'll add this because this is one of the important stages of my life:
Index Of Supsicion:
1. Feel uncomfortable with social situation
2. Excessively competitive
3. Give in or have things your way
4. Have intense fear of making a mistake
5. Deficient in basic like skills
6. Have a lot of social shame

My Reflection:
From Grade School (GS) to High School (HS), I was always being tutored by my mom, by teachers and by tutorial schools. I don't know why. I was a slow learner. Now, I am adept at learning. Some people have called and categorized me as a late bloomer. My methods may be by the book and I am between competence and incompetence. But later, I found out it was just me. I changed for the better. I became more industrious.

Potential Issue # 1: Yes, I feel self-conscious especially with my skin color, people categorize me as a foreigner but I'm not. I don't want to feel foreign to the land where I was born and where I belong to. My height (6'1") tells people I must have played basketball but I don't. I play for fun but never have I played it to win. I feel self-conscious of my acne. But I always remind myself that there is always someone better/worse.

Potential Issue # 2: Yes, I can't complete the things I've started. From my projects to my assignments, from studying to my answers, I can't complete them... before I met her.
With her, I completed the projects, the poems, the things I've started... and I also edit them every now and then.

Potential Issue # 3: I don't know yet but I would be in one. I am still in college, I am studying to be in one. I want to be. My dream job is a job where I am interested on and I have fun working.

Potential Issue # 4: I am not in debt. I am only in debt with my parents whom have given so much love, understand and care to me.

Potential Issue # 5: I speak in public but my voice is a bit small. hehe

Index of Suspicion # 1: I don't feel uncomfortable just if I'm at the dark areas or when I'm with my friends. But I can go beyond that limit if I want to. I have done it with my YFC speeches when I was still active.

Index of Suspicion # 2: I'm not that competitive with others but my brothers. We would compete in grades (I've lost most of the time), muscles (hehe.. I've stopped because we had different body types) and I don't know what else we have competed on.

Index of Suspicion # 3: This is my question to myself right now "Do I give in and let go or have things go my way?" I don't want to give in because I'm so stubborn to give up. I don't want things to go my way because it would be selfish. I want not to give up and continue loving her.

Index of Suspicion # 4: Before, I had such an intense fear of making a mistake. And when I realized I'm human. I am not a god. I make mistakes. Right now, I make mistakes but not unnecessary ones.

Index of Suspicion # 5: None that I don't know of.

Index of Suspicion # 6: I don't have any social shame. Please refer to Index of Suspicion # 1 and Potential Issue # 1.

Conclusion:
When I transferred to first grade (GS), I became shy and silent. I was scared of others. I didn't trust my classmates. I preferred being with adults and I felt that GS was a repeat of things everyday without the full consciousness of its students. Before I tranferred, I told my parents I didn't want to change schools (but it is for your education, they said). I would miss my 3 best friends. I still remember their names (Jim, Gromer, Cristina) but I don't know if they still know me. I was an active kid before I transferred. HS came and it took 2 years to be comfortable with my batchmates. And when college was there, I didn't want to go to college. Then, I don't know what course to choose. I wanted time for myself to reflect but I was given no chance. I was given college or work. How can I reflect when everyday I'll work? How stupid my parents can be?

Stage: Pre-School / Play Age
Psychosocial Crisis: Initiative vs. Guilt
Age: 3 - 5 years old
Significant Relations: Basic Family
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am what I imagine
Favorable Outcome: Purpose and Direction
Unfavorable Outcome: Unworthiness

Potential Issues From the Play Age:
1. Feeling awkward about your body.
2. Being highly critical of yourself - full of shame.
3. Using sex as the only way to feel close.
4. Being a perfectionist.
5. Having no tolerance for another's behavior.

My Reflection:

I dreamt to be a chemist. Someone who would discover remedies to the world's sicknesses. But I was just a kid then. Now, the subject annoys me. I was living in the province, then. Got my first PC. I was too young to have a computer but it was there. Tried to tinker with it but got in trouble. hehe.

Potential Issue # 1: I don't feel awkward with my body. This is me, a tall guy. But I feel awkward on why I don't have much hair. Some people call me a "sissy" but "hey, do you have baby skin?" hahahaha lol. I don't care about that comment.

Potential Issue # 2: Nah.. never experienced it.

Potential Issue # 3: Hmm... Partly. because it is human nature. Right now, sex is important. but i'm holding off for someone. Sex is a special thing. something sentimental for me.

Potential Issue # 4: Perfectionist.. When I was at HS, very very yes. hehehe.. I got obssessed with perfection. and I'll tell you what happened to me if you ask me if you can. Right now, perfection is an ideal; It is not reality. I am but the imperfected mind. My mind is so full of flaws. My mind so full of imperfection. My mind is human. I am human (with dignity).

Potential Issue # 5: I have tolerance for my selected few. I don't have tolerance when it comes to people who greatly piss me off or to whom I got angry at.

Conclusion:
I don't have trouble identifying my feelings. I may have some interpersonal communication problems (coz I only socialize with the people I trust). Expressing my feelings, yes a bit hard when I have to tell the most real and most accurate feelings I have. Like the ones written on my blogs. Before, I have acted on guesses and unchecked assumptions. After a promise, I haven't acted anymore bases on those. A problem that comes from this age is also the responsibility for one's own personal unhappiness (you have a right to your own life)......... I just choose this way.. to not let go.. it makes me the most happiest and most unhappiest guy. I'm happy because I'm true to myself. I'm unhappy because she would (i prefer might) leave me soon.. But that is life is.. sometimes, nothing is permanent.. everything changes except change. (my addition: Everything changes but change and love)
I know my purpose. My direction is always stable.. but sometimes, there are ditches that I would fall in.. I would feel unworthy of love and/or life. But when I climb up those ditches, I continue to walk on the same direction despite I see the visible ditches along my way. I dare not change my direction to evade those ditches. That is me. My will power is just so immense.. when I find my purpose, I can't leave.

Stage: Toddler
Psychosocial Crisis: Autonomy vs. Shame
Age: 1.5 - 2.5 years old
Significant Relations: Parents
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am what i will freely
Favorable Outcome: Self-control and Will power
Unfavorable Outcome: Self-Doubt

Potential Issues From the Toddler Stage:
1. Inability to say no to friends because you are afraid they will reject you.
2. Inability to set limits with your boss because you fear you might get fired.
3. Difficulty stating how you feel because you fear you will be humiliated or rejected.
4. Feeling smothered if someone tries to get close.
5. Feeling inadequate if a friend is upset and cannot make that friend feel better.

MY REFLECTION:
Yet again, I listen to my mom's and relatives' stories about me.

I had autonomy on the past. I was placed on a stroller where I can be supported while I walk. hehe. I don't know much.. My parents were and are very nice and demonstrative people.
I'm just me because of my experiences, my attitude in life and towards these experience, and my thoughts/reflections when I was younger. :)

Potential Issue # 1: At HS (High School), I would always say yes. I was really afraid of being rejected. But it changed when I went to my first college school, the people and the surroundings changed me. I was always suffering looking at how life there was so grim for some and happiness was like temporary. A city of vices. People started taking advantage of my YESness... So, I started fighting back.. I said no. no more. I became a balance of schoolsmart and streetsmart. I started knowing what I want. Today, I am glad to know good (and curious for the bad) opinions/comments of other people about my poems. Rejection is just an event that tells me I need to improve more. It's like having the fear of a new experience. I'm glad to experience something new..but not now.

Potential Issue # 2: Not applicable but I would set limits. but I fear the anger of myself towards my boss. I don't want my anger. It is a different kind. It is destructive. But I can still control it. I fear it.

Potential Issue # 3: None. I have difficulty only when choosing the right degree of words to use. I'm placing my feelings/thoughts here because I don't want my words to affect another. I just want someone to listen. They don't care. They don't know me personally.

Potential Issue # 4: Feel smothered... Yes, at HS. but only if that someone was a girl. At HS, i was really surrounded by my walls.

Potential Issue # 5: Yes, I feel inadequate whenever that happens. So, I would push myself to help and help. And when I'm successful, I don't feel inadequate but I want to keep on helping and supporting. Saved 3 suicides because of this quality. :)

Conclusion:
I have so much flaws but these flaws make me. These flaws can be overcome by myself but, right now, this is how I am myself. For the favorable outcome, I am a big success especially on the will power. For self-control, there were times I couldn't control myself. Right now, I can still control myself. Self-Doubt, it happens. Questions ring my head: "Am I for her?", "Is this right?", "Am I the one for her?", "Will she love me again?".... self-doubt can destroy someone in confusion.

This is the first part of my self-assessment based on Erikson's Stages of Personal And Social Development:

Stage: Infancy
Psychosocial Crisis: Basic Trust vs. Mistrust
Age : 0 - 1.5years old
Significant Relations: Mother/Maternal Surrogate
Contribution To Identity Formation: I am what I am given
Favorable Outcome: Inner drive and hope
Unfavorable Outcome: Fear

Potential Issues From The Infancy Stage:
1. Fear of Intimacy, because it could result in abandonment.
2. Need - but being afraid of - physical affection.
3. Continual need for oral gratification (eating, smoking, drinking).
4. Fear of acknowledging needs because of the fear that they will not be met.
5. Inability to trust even in trustworthy situations.

MY REFLECTION:
"I am what I am given" - I don't remember much from my infancy age.. But I heard stories from my mom and relatives. And today, I know much more about myself than anyone.
I have so much inner drive and hope but I am easily faltered w/ people I have trust with.
Potential Issue # 1: I love intimacy.. Yes, I was scared before. But there was a time in my life, but sometime last year.. I started to like and, then, to love intimacy.

Potential Issue # 2: Yes, I am afraid. High school, I would evade every girl's hand who would touch me to ask a question. I want to hug but I'm afraid to hug. But currently, I have reasons why I don't hug. :)

Potential Issue # 3: I don't drink.. But I smoke (1-3 sticks/week). If I'm not smoking, I'm either very "inip" (impatient) or I'm relaxing (while eating food or drinking lotsa water). I don't drink sodas. Just water, energy drinks and coffee. I'm a caffeine addict before. Right now, I'm regulating my coffee intake.

Potential Issue # 4: I say my needs. And I say my wants. I got a lot of wants right now. I know what I want.. I know who I want.. And, yes, I have the continual need to be admired. I want to receive attention. Anything bad/good about me, I want to hear it. I want to know it. I am curious about me.

Potential Issue # 5: Yep, at highschool. I wouldn't talk much or speak to anyone unless I'm spoken to. I want the person to take the initiative to introduce himself/herself. People have limits/boundaries. I can't make the jokes or talk about anything (which I am, I am a flexible person even though I don't show it; flexible but I have limits, too). Today, this is not applicable to me. I have outgrown it. I have the capability and I'm trusting too much to anyone I know especially towards the girl I love most. I am gullible to her. It is an error of my humanity but I feel so free when I trust her completely.

Conclusion:
I may have problems from infancy. My mom and I are close but not that close. Everytime, my mom is near me, I feel weak and powerless. I feel so depressed. I just want her to be there but near me. I don't like her nagging.



(This is the end of: 1 of 7 parts. I will make the other parts tonight and later this week)

Well, after hearing about blogs since highschool, i never wanted to apply into one. I've noticed it but I just didn't want to be one of the sample/population of a marketing venture's project or a target of an obsession. haha :)

Yeah, right...

Well, I felt making a blog so i can put my emotions and thoughts of my everyday life. Some of my secrets and, maybe, the dark juicy ones.. but never more about another person.. just me, its my blog anyway.. (or I can put my feelings towards a person and/or unless.... )

Also, another reason is my gaming PC is being reformatted for a week and classes just started. oh well, i'm using a super slow security-tight (stupid firewalls) laptop... is this a punishment for always playing games?!?!

Oh, well...

A simple introduction:
I am a straight guy in a legal age. no vices except drinking. I like to meet Filipino bloggers, they tend to be an interesting lot. :) I mean, they are an interesting lot. I like to meet people who play DOTA... uhm.. nevermind, i hate DOTA (quitted for 5months and counting)..
so, i like to meet people who play 02 Jam and arcade/console games like Tekken, FF series, Magna Carta and the like.

i like to meet people who watch anime and/or read manga. Naruto. Black Cat. Trigun. Bleach. Slam Dunk. (Black Cat is my most favorite :D yeahhh so cool)

so, right now, I'm watching Detective Conan. just drank beer alone to unstress my first day of school. hehe.. i still have classes in 5 hours and i'm not sleeping or will i take sleeping pills..
I just wanna enjoy the first day. hehe National Youth Day is coming up , by the way..
too bad, i'm not affected 'cause i have to prioritze my classes...

so, hear me soon..